this is a hopeful piece. i remind myself constantly that i am hopeful. i have to be, i spent far too many days gradually becoming thinner, growing more fearful, grieving for myself. but i don’t want to be in that space anymore. i’m working toward caring for myself, giving into all the things i’ve denied myself for well over a year now. i barely cooked this past year, and when i did, it brought me no joy. I’m tired of feeling disconnected to my joy. i’m ready to make and share a meal with the people i love and not be so preoccupied with my phobias. 

i’ve always been so enamored with pies. i love the way pie looks in a diner behind the glass display. throughout my childhood we would often eat at bakers square (back when they used to be in california) and choosing which pie to eat felt impossible, even though i almost always ordered a slice of coconut cream pie. the first pie i ever made was a coconut cream pie for my mom’s birthday. i had watched Waitress (dir. Adrienne Shelly) and the thing i’d loved so much but somehow always felt too difficult to make seemed less complicated and more achievable.  

i’m supposed to write a recipe, but what does a recipe written by someone severely suffering from emetophobia look like? i wrote another recipe, but i doesn’t feel honest to me in this moment. lately i’ve been daydreaming –envisioning pies, much like Jenna in Waitress, and attempting to make what i feel into a tasty treat that i can enjoy and share. in the spirit of Waitress, below is my go to pie recipe. this pie has made me so happy these days, and i hope it brings you some joy!

goodbye phobias hand pies

Ingredients:

Crust (yields 1 crust)

• 5 tbsp unsalted sugar

• 1 tbsp white sugar

• 1 cup minus 1 tbsp of all purpose flour

• 1 egg yolk

• Pinch of salt

• 3 tbsp of cold water

• 1 whole egg + 1 tbsp water (for egg wash)

Filling

• 3 ripe-ish pears

• 6-8oz raspberries

• 3-4 tbsp brown sugar 

• 1 tsp cinnamon

• half a yellow lemon

• Pinch of salt

• 3 tbsp of cornstarch or flour

Directions:

Crust

1. In a mixing bowl add 1 cup minus 1 tbsp of flour and 5 tbsp of cold butter cubed in small pieces.

2. Combine the flour and butter together until it resembles fine bread crumbs. Add 1 tbsp of sugar, pinch of salt, and lightly beaten egg yolk to flour+butter mixture to form dough. Add water 1 tbsp at a time until dough forms. Be careful not to overwork dough.

3. Wrap dough in plastic wrap and let sit in the refrigerator for 30 minutes.

Filling

1. Wash pears and raspberries. Place washed raspberries in a mixing bowl.

2. Peel and cut pears in slices. Immediately place in a mixing bowl with raspberries and squeeze lemon juice over the pears so they don’t brown (or turn gray after baking).

3. Add brown sugar, cinnamon, and a pinch of salt to the fruit. Then mix in the cornstarch or flour.

Preheat oven to 375 F. Once the dough has chilled for 30 minutes, transfer dough onto a floured surface and to about a 12in and ⅛ of an inch in thickness. Cut a 5 inch circle into the dough and remove. Fill the center of the 5 inch circle of dough with fruit, fold, and crimp edges of dough together. Cut a small slit or X in the center of the folded and filled hand pie. Repeat until you no longer have enough dough. Place hand pies onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. In a bowl mix a whole egg and 1 tbsp of water. Brush egg wash over the hand pies. Place hand pies into the oven for about 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. Remove the hand pies from the oven and let them rest for about 10-15 minutes before eating.

Enjoy! 

Jeanelle Ortiz (she/they) is a film enthusiast, puzzler, and artist. She holds a BA in Visual Art from Bennington College. They live on Ohlone land with her cat Arya.