I could never have become a reverend sister or nun, but I imagine if the opportunity existed I could definitely have decided to become a Catholic priest, and God, yes God would have let me. But I could never have become a Catholic sister of any kind. As appealing as it was to everything in me that wanted to be tied to a routined service of God, the road of sisterhood seemed too narrow and even if I had I am convinced God would not have let me.

When I was much younger, I held a sacred devotion to the sainthood of Mother Mary. I felt at the time, and even now sometimes when I let myself become insufferable, as though we had quite a few very strong things in common. I still pause in reverence whenever I come across any standing form of art which idolises the idea of her - the mother of Christ. Sometimes I add the sign of the cross, if not for anything else than for the sake of my own mother. I feel indebted to the strong belief I once held in my chest which still flickers with a bright light every now and again; because it is not that I ever stopped believing in the sainthood of that mother rather it is that how I continued to believe changed, it shifted for the better, larger, more objective side of my mind which has to be that way to keep me alive.

Belief, for me, is the real true power of God there is. Belief is that life-force, that cord which keeps us locked into what we make of ourselves in this reality. It is as vital as time. We need it to stay subject, we use it to remain human. Nothing is true or nothing exists until we believe in it, and if we believe in anything strongly enough or long enough that thing becomes alive and true in our world. That thing becomes our creature which we may continue to feed, or starve to death, or fight and kill ourselves over, or love and cherish each other over, as we please. Some call it the power of the imagination, some say it is faith, others even refer to it as principles of the universe, I say in the end it all comes down to belief. I do not know if it has its use in actuality in realities outside of our own, but I do know that no other reality outside of ours can engage us without this tool or element of belief.

I watched my mother carry the church and its parish priests on her back for most of her life and when it was time to carry me all she could do was kneel at any of the altars she had given her life to, with her rosary beads weaved into her mouth asking God to carry the child it had given her who seemed to bring her more suffering than joy. I would have liked to become a Catholic priest if I had been given the chance, to be able to sit in the dark to listen to other people spill their sins to me while I held the power to absolve them and give them penance. To have been able to take bread and wine, then turn them into the body of something divine - Jesus Christ. To wield such power. A magician, cloaked in ordination and collared gowns. I could not become that, so now anytime I encounter some suffering in my life I think of my mother and recite; our lady of Fatima pray for us.

I wave the sign of the cross in my mind I chant - Our lady, of Fatima, intercede for me.